Week 33: Mount St. Michael’s, 17 August 2008

Some time ago, while walking through the Spokane International Airport, I noticed a billboard for the “World Famous Singing Nuns” from Spokane. I hardly knew we had any women religious in Spokane, let alone world famous singing women religious. Anyway, the World Famous Singing Nuns are from Mount St. Michael’s, a Traditionalist Catholic parish located high on a bluff on Spokane’s northern prairie that offers a Latin Mass (actually, only a Latin Mass).

The interesting thing about the mass this morning, is that the priest never spoke loudly enough to be heard from where we were sitting (about mid-chapel, on the left). The mass might have been in Latin, but it could have been in any other language, because the only points at which he spoke loudly enough or mic’d enough to be heard, he spoke in English (the announcements, the sermon, the Hail Mary, and the other prayers at the end of the service).

I keep telling Michael we need to get some covers for some of our larger books, so we can “pass” among evangelicals. Here, again, we were book-less. The parishioners had some kind of missal (which seemed to be in English, from the little glimpse I got of the one the woman beside me had — she moved further down the pew when she realized we’d followed her into the row, and I didn’t want to get caught gawking over her shoulder).

Michael informs me that covered books (Harry Potter, say) to pass is tantamount to deceit, and is therefore a kind of lying, and ought not be done in church. I suppose Breaking Dawn as a missal is the same . . . but still. Neither of us seems willing to go and buy another Bible . . . we have probably 2 full boxes of them (including the African American one our Jewish best man got us for our wedding, and a copy of the Boomer Bible (which isn’t a Bible–the AA one is a KJV) . . . but we don’t have a Douay-Rheims, which would have been the proper one today.

We did manage to pass in our clothing, as we’d read up on the dress code. Michael: suit and tie. Jen and Farmergirl: Skirts below the knee and headscarves. The Jeep Hair scarf came in quite handy and matches the brown dress quite nicely. Farmergirl got a plain white Palestinian scarf (it was that, or go with the black-and-white Yassar Arafat one that goes over it. Most of the women were sporting chapel veils and mantillas or hats . . . but I think we came pretty close.

Our passing came to a screeching halt when the service started. Lacking the personal missals everyone else had (fake or otherwise), we grabbed a pew pamphlet titled, “A Method of Assisting at Holy Mass,” which gave a very brief description of what was going on. This longer description more accurately (though not exactly) describes the service we attended, but the pamphlet reduced the first page to this:

The Priest
1. Goes to the Altar
2. Commences Mass.
3. Says the Confiteor.
4. Goes up and kisses the altar.
5. Goes to the Epistle side.
6. Reads the Introit.

We quickly figured out that “the Epistle side” is stage left, and “the Gospel side” is stage right, which helped, in that we could follow more closely the service we could not hear (and, since it was in Latin, probably could not follow, even if we had been able to hear). We did sit toward the middle, so we could properly follow the congregation on when to sit, kneel, and stand. Twice in the service (maybe thrice), we went down for a kneel, and came right back up, which was a new twist in my experience. The service is a bit hard on the knees, especially as the pews, in Michael-the-woodworker’s view, were knocked together with 2bys and plywood (which he contrasted with the ornate baroque style of the rest of the chapel). I’m also not clear on if the signing of oneself should have been the “push” (forehead-chest-right-left), or the “pull” (forehead-chest-left-right). I think it was the latter, and it’s the church of the east that does the former.

The pamphlet listed on the back 6 benefits of attending Mass:
“Every Mass will go with you to your Judgment and will plead pardon for you.”
This is an interesting one, as it personifies (and multiplies) the Mass. I have a mental image of standing at the throne of God, surrounded by every Mass I’ve attended — a little like the Verizon commercial, having my “network” following me around.
“By devoutly assisting at Holy Mass, you render the greatest homage possible to the Sacred Humanity of Our Lord.”
Okay . . . that follows with “do this for the remembrance of me.”
“God forgives you all the venial sins which you are determined to avoid and all of your unknown sins which you have not confessed.”
Venial means “forgiveable” . . . so God forgives all your forgivable sins. They are contrasted with “mortal” sins. The mortal sins need to be confessed and absolved to be forgiven, or the person’s soul is condemned to hell.
“The power of Satan over you is diminished.”
The Catholic Catechism speaks of Satan in Pt. I, Sect. II, Chpt. I, Art. I, Para. 7. 395:

“The power of Satan is, nonetheless, not infinite. He is only a creature, powerful from the fact that he is pure spirit, but still a creature. He cannot prevent the building up of God’s reign. Although Satan may act in the world out of hatred for God and his kingdom in Christ Jesus, and although his action may cause grave injuries – of a spiritual nature and, indirectly, even of a physical nature – to each man and to society, the action is permitted by divine providence which with strength and gentleness guides human and cosmic history. It is a great mystery that providence should permit diabolical activity, but “we know that in everything God works for good with those who love him.”

“Through Holy Mass you are preserved from many dangers and misfortunes which would otherwise have befallen you.”
I’m not sure what this means, except that, had we been somewhere else (driving a car, or climbing a tree, say), we might have crashed the car, or fallen from the tree . . . neither of which happened during the Mass. I’m not sure how this plays out in congregations which have seen violence during the course of their worship services recently.
“You shorten your Purgatory by every Mass.”
I’m not sure what the moral calculus is on this. Is it, for example, hour-for-hour? Does it depend on how attentive you were during a particular mass? Or does it work more case-by-case, like an afterschool detention, where a minor infraction (say, chewing gum for 3 minutes) results in a two-hour stint in detention?  Maybe no one knows.  I certainly don’t.  The interesting thing about Purgatory is that some folks argue that it is based in time (thus, attending Mass may “shorten” this time or the description of being in “limbo”), and others explain that Purgatory may not involve any time at all.

MSM has an interesting history, which I will get into later. Check back for that.

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Week 33: Pancakes in the Park, 17 August 2008

When I start my cult, this is totally going to be my tag line:
“We don’t want to make war; we want to make pancakes.”

http://www.pancakesinthepark.org/
The local newspaper wrote about them:
Pancake Mix: Every other weekend, new friends gather on the South Hill for breakfast, conversation

When I start my cult, the pancakes will be warm.
And the people will be welcoming.

You’re probably thinking, “Hey! Um, Jen — Pancakes in the Park is not a church service.”

Which is true; I’ll grant that.

I think we’ve hit a point in the project where we now turn toward some new questions:  What is the purpose of church?  What is being church?  What is the role of community?  How does one build community? Both Pancakes in the Park and Resurrection at the Rainbow speak to these latter questions, though Pancakes in the Park has no religious component.  I think at this juncture, we’re thinking about what we’ll bring [back? forward? — not sure which way we’re headed in January] from the project — and so instead of going places we know are probably not a good fit (mega churches, for example), we’re working on the “why” and “how” of what it means to be church.

Crap. The Pancakes in the Park was last week. (Many thanks to my lovely and gentle friend Emalee for pointing this out). So . . . we won’t be at Tom and Pam’s tomorrow morning. (Which will probably be a relief to them).

Nonetheless . . .

The Kingdom of God is like strangers meeting for pancakes in the park . . . .

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Other Terrible Gifts

My friend Linda (who says it might just be that she’s grumpy) thinks the 10 Plagues Wine Glass Markers might be on par with the Chocolate Crucifix.

If you have other suggestions, let me know.

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Week 32a: ECOR in the Park, 10 August 2008, 10am

Michael was asked to come and play (guitar) this morning at the annual ECOR in the Park service, which was very cold, and nearly rained out.  We stayed for the potluck afterward, but went home to nap and warm up soon following, because we were chilled through.  It’s 66F in the greatroom as I write this, which is pleasant after several 90+ degree days . . . but I’m [now] wearing two shirts and am still a little cool.

My hat came in doubly useful this morning, as no one brought an offering plate, and the acolytes asked to borrow my hat. I almost scored some extra cash, as it stuck in the inside band when they inverted it, but a wee bit of shaking, and the change was freed. This adds two communions to the count, as we had it at both 8 and 10.

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Week 32: Cathedral of St. John the Evangelist, 10 August 2008, 8am

Michael was asked to play the ECOR in the Park service this morning at 10, so we went to the 8am Mass at the Cathedral of St. John the Evangelist, which is the Episcopal cathedral for the Diocese of  Eastern Washington, located on Spokane’s south hill.  If you glance up, to the south, as you pass through Spokane on I-90, you can see the cathedral, which looks a little like a place Batman might live. It’s a small service, as many that early often are (about 22 in attendance), and they do Rite I, which many younger Episcopalians dislike (this was especially apparent in this service, where we were, by decades, the youngest folks in attendance), but for which we have a fond place in our hearts.

When we first became Episcopalians, shortly after our marriage, we were part of the Allegany County Episcopal Ministry (ACEM), which was then six churches served by two supply priests.  Ralph and Liz each celebrated a 9am, then drove across the county to an 11am service, and the remaining two churches either had morning prayer, or one of the three retired supply priests.  The church in the town we bought our first house in occasionally had Fr. Robert B. Bromeley, a stooped, fiery priest who was about 102 at the time and lived in the Philip Church Mansion.  He’d have us (in contrast to Ralph, a traditional NYC liberal) down on our knees doing Rite I with a hellfire-and-brimstone sermon to match.  It’s the only time I’ve ever seen that in the Episcopal church.  I’m sure there are others (they’re probably Anglican now), but this is the only time I’ve seen it.  Fr. Bromeley was certainly old enough in the late 1990s to remember all kinds of traveling revivalist preachers coming through western New York/ PA earlier in the century.

Anyway, because of Fr. Bromeley, we have a tender place in our hearts for both hellfire-and-brimstone sermons and Rite I. (Well, maybe not the former so much, but you take my point).

I think the thing about having such a wide variety early on was that it’s given us some perspective on just how broad the tradition is, even as we’re in the middle of the most conservative jumping ship. And some of the most liberal are becoming “Episcopagans.” (Interesting–I was under the impression that Episcopagan was a self-titling, but it seems it’s actually pejorative. I suspect that, like “queer,” it won’t be for long, but I haven’t found a self-titled online article about Episcopaganism, even as I know people in real life who identify as such).

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Testify or Impeach

This is almost completely unrelated to the project. However, we wouldn’t have the freedom to visit all these different houses of worship were it not for the freedoms guaranteed in our constitution. The American Freedom Campaign has been pushing for a return to the checks and balances that preserve freedom in the US. Currently, Harriet Miers, John Bolton, and Karl Rove, are all in contempt of Congress for not testifying before Congress. The Bush administration seems to be trying to just run down the clock, happily ignoring the subpoenas. Regardless of your political stripes, having the executive branch operate without oversight is a bad thing. The AFC is pushing a new campaign: Testify or Impeach, asking people to contact the White House and their Senators and Representatives and make it clear that we still believe in the constitution.

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Chocolate Crucifix

My sister has this monologue she does every so often about how the worst gift in the world is a chocolate crucifix, because what are you going to do with it?  You can’t eat it she insists.  You can’t throw it awayIt won’t last forever, so displaying it for an extended period is out.  These, she reasons, are the main reasons a chocolate crucifix is the worst gift ever.

I don’t think she even knows about My Sweet Lord by Canadian artist Cosimo Cavallaro.

I was thinking about chocolate crucifixes as I stood in front of the candy mold selection at Michael’s this afternoon. (They didn’t carry a crucifix mold–but that may be because they’re stocking up for Halloween, not Easter. I’m making Pop Rocks Truffles.

Actually, I think I can one-up my sister on the worst gift ever:

For just under $60, you can buy a crucifix dildo. That’s not a link for the easily-offended. Consider yourself warned.

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Week 31: Foundation Baptist Church, 3 August 2008

I proposed this morning that we call it quits and re-title the book “A Month of Sundays” . . . but I was mostly just kidding. We’re taking Farmergirl off to camp this afternoon, and Michael insisted we find an evening service on the other side of the border (to facilitate not driving all around the countryside, and only leaving the mountain once). It would be wise of me not to joke in this way: I am the drive and the verve of this project, and any flagging of my energy might be taken (at least, by Farmergirl) as weakness, and a good time to go in for the kill. An inadvertent outcome of this project, I think, is going to be Farmergirl’s interest (at a time when many kids groan to go) in consistent attendance at a single church.

There weren’t a lot of churches in the Coeur d’Alene area that had websites with service times, and still fewer that had evening services on Sunday, so the list from which to choose was pretty small from the gate. We decided to try the Foundation Baptist Church after reading their rather extensive Statement of Faith and Bylaws.

My roommate in graduate school used to say, of inane rules posted in public places, “You know some one did that. They don’t just make them up. If there’s an inane/strange/or just really specific rule somewhere, it’s because someone did it already.” The first time she said this, it was in reference to a hand-written addition to a list of “dos and don’ts” posted at a temp agency that read, “Don’t show up to your assigned job wearing hair curlers and bunny slippers.” Which makes you wonder . . . what brings about statements like these?

2.01(U). We do believe, however, that a Christian may seek compensation for injuries from another Christian’s insurance company as long as the claim is pursued without malice or slander.

3.03(C). Although the general public is invited to all of the church’s worship services, the church property remains private property. The pastors have the authority to suspend or revoke the right of any person, including a member, to enter or remain on church property. If after being notified of such a suspension or revocation, the person enters or remains on church property, the person may, in the discretion of the pastors be treated as a trespasser.

6.02(D). If the moderator determines that compliance with his order of removal is unsatisfactory, the moderator may, in his sole discretion, revoke the disruptive person’s right to remain on the premises in accordance with Section 3.03(C) and treat the person as a trespasser.

7.06. Any assertion or belief which conflicts with or questions a Bible truth is a pagan deception and distortion of the truth which will be disclaimed as false.

13.06. We reserve the right to deny occupancy to anyone who does not fit the role of a traditional family as stated in the Word of God.

There is an assumption I’ve seen, on the part of doctrine-centric churches, that people who darken their doors both A) also hold doctrine in highest import and B) agree with their particular doctrine. As we were leaving last night, we were engaged in conversation by a pleasant man, who asked how we found the church. (By the website). He said he thought church websites were useful, and I agreed. Then I quipped that he’d be surprised how many didn’t list service times, which I think are important for people who’d like to visit, and said some even now had “what to expect” sections or FAQs that give details like service length, and level of formality or casualness of the congregation’s dress. He said, in response, that websites gave a place to detail the doctrine of a church, and how that was of paramount importance.

I guess if doctrine is of supreme importance in a particular church, a visitor may as well know that in advance, and plan accordingly. In this case, we managed to explain that we had no intentions of returning (we’re visiting different churches this year), and that Farmergirl was at camp (a church camp? yes, a church camp), and that we had been part of a church that we had intentions of returning to . . . all without saying the word “Episcopalian.” It’s probably just as well that gearing up to be “new people” each week leaves me with little energy beyond that, or I’d probably get into verbal fisticuffs with people over coffee every week, and Michael would have long since abandoned the project (but not me–arguing with me was his favourite college pastime).

The Foundation Baptist congregation is doing a study of their heritage, based on the series of lectures from J.M. Carroll’s Trail of Blood. (This is a much better (by which I mean legible) Trail of Blood chart than contained in the book file). It’s interesting to contrast it with the timeline we saw on the wall in the foyer of the Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox and the Orthodox claims about church history (including that of the Baptists).

One of the things that struck both of us, was the persecution theme.  It wasn’t dominate in the sermon yesterday, but it did surface several times during the service, with allusions to the “evil world” and the person of the Devil working to tear down the congregation, and the need for spiritual warfare against the world, the flesh, and the devil.  (I never know if or not to capitalize the word devil . . . is it a pronoun, an honorific (“that’s Mr. The Devil to you”), or just a designation?  I mean, technically, the devil’s name is Lucifer . . . so I don’t think “devil” is a personal pronoun, per se).

What role does a persecution theme play in a congregation?  Does it knit them closer together as a community?  (And does it drive the stakes in further when it divides them?)   If you’re convinced the world is out to get you, then how do you engage the world?  How are you salt and light in your community?

On a tangential note:  We pulled up and realized –agh!– that, once again, we didn’t bring Bibles with us, and there wasn’t a chance we were going to “pass.”  The front page description of the Foundation Baptist Church says that they’re “A church of Fundamental Christians that believe: “what the Bible says, it means!”.” It’s been interesting to note that the churches which place the most emphasis on scripture are the ones least likely to have Bibles available in the pews. This is, of course, because they presuppose everyone will bring them . . . but there is a question of hospitality and inclusion when you ask visitors to follow along (and last night, that meant turning to no fewer than 20 different readings), and then don’t provide copies of the particular Bible (KJV) you hope they’ll use.

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Skinhead Prunes

Michael considers this one of my major character flaws: I like to have dinner parties because I like mixing people and ideas over food, and the voyeuristic side of me likes to see what will happen*.

My friend Teresa says that it’s like this: some people really like prunes.  Other people despise prunes so much that they can’t see anything past their disgust with the plate of prunes, and can’t think of anything beyond hoping the prunes will leave the table just as soon as absolutely possible.

She says the first group of people likes the prunes and would like other people to know why prunes are great, but that the second group won’t ever get past the prune revulsion to even entertain the possibility that some prunes are good for some people in some circumstances.   I think, in the context of our conversation that day, that she meant I was a prune-lover (or at least someone who could see the value of prunes, but can also understand that some people don’t like them—in much the same way that I don’t like hotdogs), but that the prune-haters would only ever feel comfortable in a prune-free environment with other prune-haters.

In the utter ebullience of my figurative prune love, I like to trade prune recipes, try new prune concoctions, eat flavoured prunes, share pruning tips, plant prune pits in hopes of growing prune trees, try snipped prunes and baked prunes and stuffed prunes, consult the prunes about my future (no wait, those are runes).   And I have friends who like prunes, and friends who don’t.

I think this was Teresa’s point – my sociological, voyeuristic tendency to want to mix the prune lovers with the prune haters and to forge bonds between people based on other, less prune-y subjects – and its negative effect on the folks whose stomaches just turn at the thought of the plate of prunes – they who wish every prune would simply vanish from the known universe.  I think her point was that my hopes of creating a paradigm shift for the prune haters – perhaps not to eating or liking the prunes, but to being able to tolerate their existence – is for naught.  That there is no changing the prune haters hearts, no softening them to having the prunes – or the prune-lovers grace the common table.

I called Teresa to ask about the prunes.  I didn’t have it quite right.  Apparently, the bowl of prunes are the people at the table of a certain personality type, and I’m the person who likes all manner of prunes, but other people can’t stand the prune-y people, and just want to leave, or want the bowl of prunes to leave.  I really liked my wrong interpretation better.  Teresa’s liable to agree with me on that, but I don’t want to put words into her mouth.

Michael says he’s not sure about the whole prune analogy to begin with.  He doesn’t have any particularly strong feelings for or against prunes.  He says maybe the analogy ought to be neo-Nazi skinheads, or some grouping that people have a strong allegiance or revulsion to.

That would make rewriting the  fourth paragraph rather interesting:

“In the utter ebullience of my figurative neo-Nazi love, I like to trade skinhead recipes, try new Aryan concoctions, eat flavoured Nazis, share White Power tips, plant racially divided subdivisions in hopes of growing all white suburbs, try snipped skinheads and baked skinheads and stuffed skinheads, consult the KKK about my future. . . .   And I have friends who like skinheads, and friends who don’t.”

Actually, I don’t think I have any friends who like skinheads, or any friends who are skinheads in philosophy (though I know and love lots of bald white guys).  Some years ago, Michael came back from Spokane (where he was working), to Raleigh (where we were living), and asked if I “wanted to buy the Aryan Nation compound in North Idaho?”

No.

Was I sure?  It was up for a really sweet price.

Yes, I was sure. I looked around the living room: three guys from Burundi, our friend from Hong Kong, my blonde daughter, and my balding, blond husband and brother — we lived in the most racially diverse neighborhood in the city of Raleigh.  No, I was pretty damn sure I didn’t want to buy an Aryan Nation compound, however good a deal it happened to be.

As fate would have it, the Aryan Nation lost the compound, and the new owner has some pretty grand plans:

Just weeks after Mr. Butler was forced by the courts to turn over the compound to a mother and son who were beaten by young Aryan Nations members there, an Internet millionaire said today that he had bought it from the victims.

With their blessing and that of Gov. Dirk Kempthorne and other state and local leaders, he said, he planned to dedicate the compound as an education and conference center for human-rights issues.

How cool is that?

I confess a fascination with people who hold views counter to my own . . . even ones I consider petty and ignorant. We had a downstairs neighbor once in New York who probably would have felt right at home at the Aryan Nations compound. He had this chip on his shoulder the size of a log, and had been told, by some equally ignorant high school guidance counselor in the late 90s, that he’d qualify for money for college if only he weren’t a white boy. Whatever. His town demographics as of the 2000 census: 448 people: 98.88% White, 0.45% African American, 0.22% Native American, 0.22% Asian, and 0.22% from two or more races. There were no Hispanics or Latinos.

He didn’t qualify because he had a poor academic record. He was in the first batch of students for whom the college created remedial coursework, so they could get into and attend the college.  He’d graduated ill-prepared to take on standard college coursework, and it was the school’s first foray into allowing students who were poorly educated to attend.  I don’t think he ever saw the parallel, or the irony.

We invited him (and his wife – what kind of woman** is attracted to and marries this kind of guy?) to dinner . . . the first of many dinners that gave Michael pause about my social skills.  I’d say hope springs eternal, but it might just be a masochistic streak of mine.  It was a less-than-satisfying evening that ended with the relationship being no more neighborly than it started out.  (To wit: when I was in my second trimester with Farmergirl and he decided to pickle, downstairs from us, indoors, for three weeks.  I lost 8lbs and very nearly moved in with my brother who lived 45 minutes away . . . he just laughed when I offered to loan him my camp stove so he could proceed outdoors.  I don’t know if they’re still married, but I have always supposed that it ended over this kind of thing before the birth of their first child).  Of course, being the kind of woman** who would be attracted this kind of man to begin with . . . she probably figures this is what marriage is, and that she doesn’t deserve any better.

I’m pretty sure that’s he’s the only white supremacist who’s been invited to dine with us.

I am pretty sure Teresa would not like a dinner party with that skinhead prune.  That is the drawback of prunes: ingest too many in too short and interval, and you’ll end up sitting in a pile of shit.

*This is not, as it happens, an entirely voyeuristic issue on my part.  While Michael would only have parties of people he felt would get along really well, I’m never really sure who will hit it off or not.  I would be a terrible matchmaker for this reason: there are almost zero couples in long-term marriages that I would introduce to each other if I happened to know them separately.  Including my own parents.  In general, it befuddles me that everyone can’t just get along, because I like (and pretty much get along with) nearly everyone, so think it’s always in the back of my mind that everyone else would, too.  And while I like everyone to get along, I do find it really interesting when they don’t . . . and that’s the voyeuristic-flawed-character part Michael takes issue with.

Frankly, I think I have bigger character flaws.  Like my perverse practice during the first snowfall of the year in Spokane.  I get up really early, turn on the early morning news, and watch the following interaction from on the hill that is the south side of the city:
News Anchor: And now we’ll turn to Bob, who’s standing on the south hill.  How’s the traffic, Bob?

Bob: Well, Sharon, I’m standing here with Frank, a truck driver from North Dakota, whose truck slid into the snow bank.  Three cars have slid into and hit him while we’ve been standing here, and he’s trying desperately to get his chains on, so he can get on I-90 and get out of town.  He’s got three wheels of his semi don—and here comes an SUV– the drivers breaking [Bob flinches]–and OUCH!  That’s four cars that have hit Frank’s truck.  Back to you, Sharon.

News Anchor: Thanks, Bob.  It sure looks cold out there.  In other news, one of the Olson Twins . . .

This same scene transpires on every local news station, on every arterial coming down the south hill, for the rest of the morning.  Frank’s averaged 5 cars running into him by the time I’ve made coffee.  It’s my perverse first-morning-of-winter-snow tradition.  If he’s going to fault my character, I think it should be for this.

** In this case, I’d describe her as mousy, demure, and fundangelical.  Our college attracted many women looking for an “M-R-S degree.”  I can’t tell you how many couples married during their junior year . . . either to have the sex they’d delayed having, or to assuage the guilt over the sex they had been having.  (And I can’t tell you how many of those marriages ended in divorce within a few short years – often after the couple had one or more children – far more than you’d suspect coming out of the evangelical subculture.  Of course, no one talks about that . . . not around the college, and never in the “marriage course” the local church put on.  We were asked to be on the couple panel discussion for that class.  Once.  I don’t think they thought, as the token “young marrieds” that we’d be as brutally honest as we were about the kinds of things we thought folks should think about before getting married.  (For example, we recommended against getting married before having all the education each person in the relationship wanted to finish.  It’s far more difficult to go to school and be married than it is to attend graduate school as a single person.  And it’s even more difficult after you add kidlets into the equation)).

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One fish, two fish; Red Fish, Blue Fish

When people come over in the summer and see the two Mr. Coffee pots on the woodstove, each holding a fish, there’s invariably a crack about our dinner plans or sadism.   For the record: we never fired up the woodstove while the fish were in the pots on it.

When my sister and her girls lived with us the second time (in the summer of 2006), they picked up two betta fish: one red, one blue, and then headed to the thrift store to buy fish bowls.  My sister decided $5 each was too much for bowls, and grabbed .50 coffee pots instead, reasoning they were a tenth of the price, and technically larger.  We named them “Red Fish” and “Blue Fish.”

Blue Fish made it until June 5th, 2008 and Red Fish died today (29 July 2008).

What do you do when a fish dies?  Blue Fish died late in the evening, and I decided to do something with him before Farmergirl got up and saw him, lifeless, in the bottom of the coffee pot.  (Bettas sink when they die).  I thought of planting him in one of the container pots on the deck, but feared the dog would unearth him.  I thought of taking him to the barn cats–great circle of life and all that–but it seemed wrong, and I wasn’t sure what he’d died from.  (Old age, likely, as my research indicates they’re 2-3 year fish under the best of circumstances . . . given that I’m not convinced our “tanks” were big enough, or our house (and therefore their water) was warm enough . . . I must have managed fairly reasonable circumstances as I had them both more than 2 years).

So what to do?

The euphemistic “burial at sea”?  Take my chances with a dirt burial?  Feed him to the cats?  Which cat?  It’s not like he was more than a canape.

Some years ago, when Farmergirl was 6, we got a couple of goldfish.  I was concerned, when we got them, what we would do with them while we went to China for 3 weeks in the middle of December.  What I didn’t know was how impossibly difficult goldfish are to keep, and so we lost both Princess and Joel well in advance of our trip.  After Joel was gone, I could see that Princess was ailing, and I looked up ways to euthanize a fish . . . it could have been a manual for a horror film: wrap in a towel and stomp on the back porch (agh! no!), add alcohol or vodka to the water (but how much?), suffocate in the air . . . and then this one: put fish in baggie with water, place in freezer.  The idea being that the fish would die painlessly of hypothermia.

I’m pretty sure Princess was already dead when I put her in the Ziploc.  And then I didn’t have the heart to take her out and bury her.  And we went to China, and we came back.  And everytime I opened the freezer, there she was, her blank eyes staring out at me, knowing I was a terrible fish keeper.

Farmergirl finally gave up on me doing anything about it.  She took her little play garden shovel, and the baggie of the Princesscicle and performed her own funeral in the backyard.

So I took care of these two, individually.

Farmergirl thinks she should get me another set of fish.  She thinks I’m in a fish funk.  But I don’t really think I want more fish.  It’s true: I did talk to Red Fish and Blue Fish.  I did tease them with my finger, and let them chase it and try to get it.  I washed their tanks (er, pots) out and gave them fresh water, and I even toyed around with getting one a little car and the other a little star . . . but just gave them a layer of shells in the bottom of their respective pots.  And I toyed with the idea of getting some Sea Monkeys to feed to them.

I also have enough fish food to feed a half dozen bettas for, um, several more years.

But I don’t think I want replacement fish, because I don’t think my fondness for Red Fish and Blue Fish is transferable like that, anymore than my fondness for the dog or the kid or the hubby are transferable like that. Granted, I’d say I’m not as attached to the fish as I am the husband or the kid or the dog . . . but I think the principle is the same.

So if you need some betta food, let me know.

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